So just to start I’m very funny and this is a subject I am very passionate about.
I sympathize so much with Chandler on the episode of Friends when Monica says that she met “the funniest guy ever” at work that day. If one of my friends came to me and said “Taylor I just met the funniest girl ever at my wine tasting” I would be so offended because, one, I am so funny I just can’t comprehend that you met someone funnier, and two, why were you at a wine tasting are you 35 and single????
So that’s basically where I am at. So I have a platform (this blog) that I can use to help convince my readership that I am in fact funny.
I am going to tell you some funny stories from the last 2 weeks that highlight my wit, whimsy, and cleverness. If this doesn’t convince you all that I’m funny I’m going to have make a serious life change or keep lying to myself. We’ll see.
A note: these are from the last two weeks! Think of all the comedic antidotes I could tell if I allowed myself a larger time frame. Only god knows.
Let’s start with a quickie, I walk out of the door to go to work. Right as I do every single one of my neighbors opens the door and at least 20 girls are now standing in the doorway. There’s a pause because I think none of us know each other and none of us have ever seen this many people in the hallway. So I say “I see you all got the memo to come to this meeting” and NO ONE laughs. Literally no one. It was incredible. Like they all just look at each other and keep it moving like they didn’t even hear me. I don’t know if this was the best story to convince you that i’m funny, but seriously how funny is that.
A bit of a longer tale, my mom and I were on the phone. We were talking about what she should embroider on her jean jacket (longer story) and I say that she should get hydrangeas. She’s like, I love hydrangeas. We talk about these flowers for over 20 minutes. She even tells me about how her hydrangeas just died and that she needs to go buy more. I tell her that I have to hang up and take a shower. 40 minutes later she calls me in hysterics and she’s like “Taylor you won’t believe this someone left hydrangeas on the porch with no card!!!!!”
I tell her that she needs to get out of there because a hit man with an unusually specific calling card is coming after her.
That is such a funny joke. I should note here that my mom thinks I’m funny but she frequently tells me that not everyone gets it. Which is just hard for me to comprehend, when I have such a universally branded, relatable style of humor.
And last but not least Michael Angelo and the gator, and DMX. This is not so much highlighting my sense of humor but rather some of the crazy things that happen to me, that I feel like when I tell other people they laugh because I tell them the story in an entertaining manner.
So let’s tell the story of the time I met a caricature artist named Michael Angelo who, although unprompted, told me the story of how when he was 35 he was attacked by an gator.
So it’s storming, the pool is closed I’m inside. I say hi to the caricature artist who is so bored that he has resorted to just staring at a blank sheet of paper. He comes up to me and his name tag says Michael Angelo and I point and say “oh that’s cute” and he’s like “that’s my real name what do you mean?”.
What do I mean? Well we aren’t in an ironic lifetime movie so I thought it would be kind of insane if your name was actually Michael Angelo and you were an artist but I digress.
Anyways, he follows that up with “you know I got attacked by an alligator when I was 35” so I say “pardon” and he tells me this story of an gator putting Michael Angelo’s head in its mouth and biting down, then apparently, it just swam away. Obviously I don’t buy it, so I tell him no way. In the middle of the lobby this man starts showing me his gator scars. So I tell him he seems legit and that’s that.
Then, I don’t know if you have ever witnessed this phenomenon but I have found that when people hear a crazy story they feel like they need to top it with something even crazier.
“Oh you got yelled at in the grocery store by an old man? Well one time I got my toe chopped off by a lawn mower” (not something that actually happened but you see what I mean)
I’m standing with a fellow guard (who heard this whole thing) and he tells me that he lives with a felon who went to prison with DMX in Arizona, and apparently DMX was a cool guy but, what the heck.
So he tells me more about DMX and prison and whatever. Unreal. So I’m just going to end it there because it only gets weirder but I can’t type anymore I’m starting to cramp up.
So with that I feel like at the very least I have convinced one person that I’m funny. So let me make some suggestions of ways that the people in my life could take advantage of having such a funny relatable young lady at their disposal:
To my family~ I just feel like we had so many talent shows growing up and you always encouraged me to sing, but never pushed me hard enough on a stand-up routine.
To my friends~ I feel like there is a 6 month period where people just met me where they think I’m so so so funny. Then they all of a sudden get used to it. Not anymore I need you guys to consciously think about how funny I am every time you meet with me. You guys are getting an episode of Seinfeld almost every time we hang out. Let’s start acting like it.
To my sisters of Alpha Phi~ I honestly believe that we could have a bi weekly event at the house where I do stand up and roasts. Also would be an awesome opportunity for some of you to meet me since only 6 people know me personally.
To the cheer team~ I definitely think there could be some sort of bonding experience which is really just a clever way for me to get you all into one room and tell you all of the cheer related jokes I have come up with when we are cheering at basketball and not allowed to talk.
So thats that. Hopefully someone takes these suggestions to heart or else it’s going to be really awkward when I get back to GWU. Raise high!